Story: Jesus Christ - Pro Skater

The most righteous of skaters did come one day to the skate park next to the school and he did have the most wicked kickflips of all time and all were amazed and came to see.

And lo, he said to those skaters who idled there, “You, John and Simon and Peter, follow me and I will teach you how to bust some sick air over on the rail.”

And verily twelve of them did congregate because he was indeed busting some sick air over on the rail and they declared him Master of the Skate Park and promised that they would follow him. Now Jesus and his bros did skate often at the park and straightway many came to them so much that the park grew overfull. They came unto him with their less than gnarly tailspins and their total wipeouts, and they did plead that he should teach them to bang out some perfect ollies. And he did for he had love for even the poser and the newbie.

And the Pharisees, who pleased themselves to skate there after school, saw him do these things and they grew angry. And they asked him why he should invite all the multitudes to the park when a good many of them should not even know how to stay on the board and Jesus said unto them,

“Should the child crawl fresh from the cradle and forthwith know how to fliptrick? Did your brothers refuse to teach you even when you fell and wept? I do not call the many to arrive here at the skatepark but as they arrive I shall teach them for the half-pipe is not only for the few who know how to ride it now, but also those who may learn it in time.”

And with this he shamed them and they were bitter in their departure for the park was still too full to skate in.

A child came unto Jesus weeping and lo Jesus asked him wherefore he shed tears and the child told him that although he wanted very much to skate with him, the wheels had long ago come off his board and thus he could watch the others learn to spinflip but could not do it himself. There Jesus bade he bring forth the board and at once Jesus took it and before his eyes he did reattach the wheels to the board though he had no tools with which to do it. And the boy was amazed and he did spread the good news to all who would listen and Jesus fixed many a skateboard although none could tell how he did it.

Another day as the multitudes did congregate at the skatepark to hear Jesus they grew hungry, but among them they could come up with no more than $15.26 which should not feed a skatepark full of people. Without delay, Jesus did take this money and walked to the convenience store and shortly reappeared laden with honeybuns and Cokes for all. Surely Peter and John were amazed for $15 should not have fed the scores of people in attendance. And they asked him how he came upon such a bounty and for they worried he had stolen it.

And Jesus grew weary of their lack of faith and said unto them, “Dudes, my coupon game is sick.”

And they did believe him and were humbled and all ate and had a good time. And after they had eaten their fill, more food yet sat in the grass before them, so bounteous was this feast. The skaters of the park were amazed and spread the word of the Board further still.

The Pharisees saw all of these things and they grew jealous for the people loved Jesus and forever occupied the park. And they vandalized the park and spray-painted over the blacktop. At night's end and their deed done, they left very much satisfied that the people should stop coming to the park.

Now in the morning all the usual people did come and they saw the travesty and they were angry for the blessed skate park had been desecrated by vandals. Judas did know who had abused the park for he had been witness to it at night and he approached them, and the Pharisees promised to buy him dinner if he should tell the police that Jesus had done it. And wickedness grew in Judas’s heart and also hunger in his stomach and he agreed.

Judas did fetch the cops and led them to the skatepark and there he said whosoever does pull off a righteous bigspin is the one who is responsible and Jesus did bigspin at that moment and forthwith they arrested him.

And Jesus spake, “You Judas, whom I did teach to 360 spin off the jump even though you kept falling off the board? You have told the cops to take me!”

And the cops did take him away and his bros scattered for they didn’t want the cops to think they were accomplices and after much trial Jesus was straightway banned from the skatepark. And his bros felt super bad about it.

On the third day of his ban, much to the surprise of his bros, Jesus did reappear and they rejoiced and asked him if he should stay. He said unto them that he must not, for the cops would probably kick him out again but that he wanted to lay down a few more sick moves before he departed.

And he did skate most admirably and his disciples watched him bomb a hill and before he left he told them to spread the word that one day he would return to teach the newbies once more how to skate. And he did tell his bros to keep catching some gnarly air and to instruct all who were willing to learn how to grind a rail. And then his mom pulled up in her car and once again he departed.

(image of Jesus skateboarding, Major Crew)

Author's note:  I kinda wish I could have made this longer. It was pretty fun to write. Now I'm not a skater so I probably didn't use all the slang entirely correctly but this is just meant to be humorous and not necessarily accurate. I went a little beyond the gospel of Mark because that gospel doesn't actually include the resurrection but I think it's a pretty commonly known element of the story. I was only able to include a few miracles from the book of Mark due to the lack of space. The ones I did reference, I think were some of the best known ones. Jesus fixes the kid's skateboard just as he healed the paralyzed man and let him walk again. He also made way more food out of the very little bit of money than should have been possible like the story of him feeding the multitudes with fish and bread. Of course I could have written for a full day to include more miracles. I would have liked to include walking on water but I struggled a bit to come up with a good parallel for it. As it was, I hope it was still fun to read. The whole story was supposed to be humorous enough that it throws the old story of the Christian savior into a new light so that it’s fun to read for both people who have read it a thousand times, and people who have never read the gospel before. For reference for the skateboard tricks, here are some videos.

Gospel of Mark, King James Version